For Me It Came Out Of Left Field Have you ever had a moment where you’re just thinking about something off the wall crazy and you’re like oh crap am I depressed? That's how it was for me. It will be 3 years in May, and that's crazy to even say. So, how did I just now start to feel this? Is it apart of having another daughter who acts just like she did? Is it because Ellie will pass the age of Presley before I know it? Is it because of everything I kept in for so long? I just ask myself all the time... Why? Why me? Why us? Why, why, why? I feel like at first the grief would come in waves of emotion. I would be okay one moment, and the next would be like a wave of emotions sometimes even drowning me. BUT Let me first say, that I have a good life. I am happy with my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling depressed every day. Just because I smile for photos or laugh at the jokes it doesn't mean deep down I don't feel something different. I kept thinking that it was coming from the grief I was always feeling, but this felt different. I started to feel really dark on the inside and outside.The first emotion to come was emptiness. I felt as if something is always missing from my life or my day, but that's common for Grieving Mothers. Along came worthless and helpless. I feel like this at home, work, and with others. I feel like I'm never doing enough, and feeling like I need to lose weight, change my hair, or wear more make-up, and always needing to do more for everyone around me. I feel like I'm not a good mother, friend or daughter at times. Actually, a lot of the time. It doesn't matter how much everyone tells me I am enough, I feel worthless and helpless.I start to feel irritable a lot. Now, my kids or even my mother will probably agree with my random outburst or irritability. I always tend to become irritable about everything. I feel irritable with myself, I've almost thrown the long mirror out of the bathroom multiple times. I don't like what I see in the reflection. I become irritable with the way the house looks, and I feel like I don't need to ask for help when I need it. I feel irritable about having to make sure everything gets done every night, also another thing I don't and won't ask for the help I need. Mostly, I get irritable with my emotions. I get angry with myself when I do cry about my daughter, and I get irritable about not having any type emotion about my daughter. I have ZERO energy, like none. I'm sure if I went to the Doctor, I would be medicated for having low iron, but even with taking iron supplements I feel exhausted all the time. I could probably also blame that on having to get up in the night with Ellie some nights as well. Sleep is another thing that doesn't come easy anymore. I take melatonin 98% of the time, and I have since I lost my little girl. The 2% that I didn't take it, I would wake up in the middle of night freaking out. One night I felt as if someone was holding me down, and I couldn't breathe. I kept trying to wake up my husband, but I couldn't move. I didn't miss a night after that. Even if we got home at 10 or 11 at night, I would always make sure to take it. On the nights I do take it, I still wake up a few times a night from dreams or rolling over. Some nights I wake up thinking that the baby is up and she's resting gracefully. The only thing that I take it for now is for security. It honestly doesn't help me sleep anymore. I think the worst of all of my emotions is when I feel anxious. I worry about every little thing. I worry about the kids. I would prefer to put them in a bubble every single day. If we could just live underground and away from the real life, we would as long as I could take all my family and friends with us. I worry about if I'm a good mother to them. I worry if they are getting enough attention or if I need to do more for them. I worry about me working too much and not spending enough time with them, especially my oldest. I worry if I'm doing enough at the house. I worry about my friendships. I worry about old friendships and new friendships. I worry about friendships that I know are lifelong friendships. I worry that I'm not a good friend even though they always tell me I am. All of my friends are really good about lifting each other up, but I always feel like they could find a better friend. I always feel like I can be a better friend. I could text them every day to cheer them on and I still feel like I'm not doing enough. I worry about little things like how clean my house is when company comes over. I worry about my appearance and looking like I did before. I worry about money, and my job. I worry about school. I worry about making sure I'm doing enough in my life everyday to live a life that my daughter would be proud of. I worry about my family and how they are dealing with the pain. I worry about Presley's Dad who also has to deal with the grief. I worry if I'm not reaching out to him enough, or if I should be checking in more often. I worry about disappointing everyone. I'm anxious about life. I'm scared to ask for help when I need it. I need sleep and rest. I want to feel whole. I want to feel like I did before. I want to look like I did when I was happiest. I don't want to say, I'm depressed. But I am.Tonight, before I started to write this. I talked to one of my best friends and my Mom. It was hard to reach out and to say I need help, but it felt really good to ask for it. If your'e going through depression, or any sort of grief. Ask for help. I encourage it. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to say that out loud. I'm not okay, and that is perfectly okay. Take a moment and breathe. Call your family members or friends and reach out. Continue to tell the people that matter the most in your life that you love them. Always ask for help when you need it. Don't ever feel like you are alone... because your not.
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