The Fear of the Unknown Fear and Anxiety are the devil. But.... fear has always been a part of me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fearful of heights, snakes and spiders among other things. Everyone is fearful of something. For example, my Mom fears centipedes. Odd, but true. The world is completely full of fear right now. The fear of sickness. Possibility of losing a loved one. The loss of a job. The financial issues that could cause marriage problems. We all live in some type of fear. The fear of what's next. Unfortunately, now I have the biggest fear of losing another child. Before my daughter died, I never thought something so traumatic could happen. I was like most others and thought that our children were untouchable, and nothing could happen to them, until it does. The loss is heart wrenching, but what comes with it is almost just as bad. My continued walk with the lord opens so many new doors. I learn something new about myself every day. New doors are opened while others close. New friendships arise as other either strengthen or they began to fade. My heart opens to the unknown and is eager to know more about him and my life with him. The fear that comes from my loss has came and gone throughout the years since, but as I grow closer to God, Satan continues to try to drag me through the quicksand of fear. It’s not the fear of snakes and spiders, but one that is so much more powerful. It’s the fear of another loss. The fear of losing another child. Every grieving parent grieves differently. Although we are all different, we all fear of it happening again. I can say that I barely made it where I am after losing my daughter. By the Grace of God and the people he placed and continues to place in my life, I’m here. He saved me. He put those people in my life to save me. The fear of losing my children here on Earth is my worst possible nightmare. When I first had my rainbow baby, I would check on her multiple times throughout the night. Always, holding my hand on her chest and counting to ten to make sure she was breathing okay. My anxiety and fear at it’s prime. This was when Satan had me at my worst before I let God back in completely. I’ve always been one that dreams and usually always remembering most of my dreams. The good ones and the bad. Last night my dream was far from divine. It was a nightmare. I had felt the loss of another child. It was the definition of spine-chilling and devastating. Drenched in sweat and tears when I woke up couldn’t even touch the way I felt inside. I was terrified, but when I completely woke up, I could feel a strong presence in the room with me. After what seemed like a century, I finally rose up out of bed to check on the kids. I went into my youngest room first checking her breathing while holding my hand on her chest like I had done when she was a baby. 1, 2, 3... 10. I did the same with my oldest and went back to lay down. It was almost as if I couldn’t breathe or speak and still felt a heavy presence next to me. Almost waking up my husband, I began to pray out loud. I prayed so heavily that the fear would disappear and be filled with love during in which I began to weep. The fear that I felt was so strong that I was begging God to take it away. Word for word, I heard him tell me to trust in him and go back to sleep. I did just that. Not long after, I dozed back off to sleep. The second time I woke up, there was sunshine coming through the door in my room. My dream was breathtaking this time. My eyes filled with tears of love. The dream that I wished for every single night. The dream I wish was my life now. I was outside playing and all three of my children were playing together. The two here on earth and my one in heaven at the ages they are now were playing together. They were running around the yard, laughing, playing and it was pure love. It was God's way of showing me that he was here with me. That God is ALWAYS with me. I’ve always been taught the ways of the Lord, but I didn’t “know” God. I’ve always known he’s there, but I’ve never “felt” him. I will continue this fight through this fear with God by my side. The closer we grow to God, the further the devil tries to pull us away. Fear is normal, but don't live there. Don't spend your life scared of what's next. Trust in the Lord. He will be your strength. God has been my unexpected strength throughout everything. He saved me. He continues to save me.
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