Before when someone would say they heard god speak to them I would quietly think in my mind.. this person is crazy. They did not hear god. How can you hear something that isn’t there? We are less than two weeks away from my daughter being gone for 2 years and until about a week ago I still felt like that. We lost her in an ATV accident in 2017. I remember the day so clearly still and it still haunts me to this day.
I remember my husband pulling in fast while I was trying to jump out and running towards the ambulance only to hear the words, “I’m sorry, but there was nothing we could do.” I dropped to the ground with the police officer catching me before I fall completely. It’s something you see in a movie, honestly, but after that and the days to follow seem like such a blur.
The last two years being sometimes unbearable, other times numb feeling to say the least. Grief is a funny thing to explain because it’s not one thing it’s a dozen different feelings, and they all come in at different times or all at once. There isn’t one way to feel. Grief is like an ocean when your sitting on the shore, sometimes it’s calm and other times your being hit and pulled by different waves at once unable to breathe.
Grief can also turn you into someone you never thought you would be. I’ve had my lowest moments happen in the past two years. You hear stories of people saying they would never feel like that, or they could never think that way, but you honestly don’t know until you are in a situation. Life is hard in general without all of the other emotions and tragedies.
I let depression, anxiety and others define me. I let them take over my life. I didn’t feel or I felt too much. I wanted it to disappear and at times I wanted to disappear. The world was a darker place. I felt completely alone, although I had friends and family who supported me and loved me unconditionally it still felt as if I was alone in this.
I let the grief and depression start to pull me away from my family and friends. Even losing some friends along the way.
I spent almost two years so angry at God for taking my daughter. I would ask him why over and over. I felt as if I did something wrong that he was punishing me for. What if I did something differently? What if she was with me? Why her? Why? Why? Why?
I let fear continuously break me down. I would fear loss of my other children, or my youngest getting older and closer to the age of her sister that passed. How would I react when she lived longer than her? I would ask the questions over and over. Always, fearing something else was going to happen.
On the days I felt numb I would put the thoughts, memories and love deep down. I would try not to let them out. If I felt them that means I would feel pain and I did not want to feel anything at all. I hated to cry, but all of that was about to change. I even questioned if God was real. Also, questioning if Heaven was real.
It was around three months after her death that I was invited to “The Great Banquet.” Which is basically a four day weekend filled with worship and nothing but Jesus, love and food! No distractions or “white noise”. It’s a way to restore your relationship with Christ and a way to get refreshed the right way. I accepted my invitation, but about a month or two before I pulled out and didn’t attend. It obviously wasn’t my time as we learned later on.
As the year went on, and I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. I had something to completely wrap my heart and soul around along with her older brother. We prepared for this baby girl, and I was able to put my focus on something else for a whole year and some.
After she was born and the baby moon was over it felts as though someone hit me with a train of emotions. All of those feelings I pushed away came rushing back. It was so intense that I would try to push them down more by adding on other things in my life. I began to push my husband and friends away at the same time. There were mornings I woke up thinking “Why do I get to live and she didn’t?” “Why am I still here?” These are things that I never thought would cross my mind, but God wasn’t apart of my life anymore. So, I let Satan in to rule my life completely.
The year continued on, and we started into this year but I was a completely different person. My thoughts became dark, my heart felt cold as ice, and my happy personality turned into someone I am not proud of. I would become angry over everything, and when anyone tried to help I would get offended.
I could feel the pain, emotions and love rising up in me. I needed a huge change or I wasn’t going to survive this. Around this time I reached out to one of my best friends who had invited me before, but this time I told her I was ready for The Great Banquet. This meant God was ready for me to go.
I’ve never been more sure of God’s timing and plan until this. It was my time to go. I was bound and determined to pour everything into this weekend. Grief wasn’t going to define me anymore. Depression wasn’t going to define me anymore. I wanted to give it all to God.
Now, I won’t go into detail on the entire weekend for anyone considering going, but it was absolutely incredible. There is words to explain exactly how amazing and powerful that weekend truly was.
However, I will tell you a part about one of the days that changed my life completely. It was during the day and we were in the chapel. I had NEVER prayed or talk to God like this ever in my life, but I was praying immensely that God would take this grief from me. I told him I couldn’t live like this anymore, and what happened next completely changed my life.
As I was praying and talking to God, I stopped for a minute to catch my breathe from all of the tears rolling out and I heard clear as day Presley tell me, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” It was her sweet little voice telling me that it's okay. With in seconds of hearing her, my leader is grabbing my hand and pulling me away to talk to me. I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I was already feeling, but letting them out was beyond belief. The words that she spoke to me next made it even clearer that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. She began to speak telling me that it was okay to let go of Presley, and letting go didn’t mean I was forgetting her. This all happened within a few minutes.
After all of this, I just completely handed my grief over to God. I was in the darkest place I had ever been, and he pulled me out of it. I was ready to give up, but God wasn’t ready to give up on me. I thought I knew what my life should be like, but God has bigger plans.
I can’t say that I will stop missing my daughter, because I do every single day and I will continue too. However, I will miss her with love and not out of anger. I will continue to love hard, and to tell everyone of God’s unconditional love and Grace. I will continue to remember her in everything I say and do. I will try to help as many people as I can with God in the center of my life.
I came from a family with God and church in the center of our life. I grew up in church, youth group, and even a weekend like this as a child, but I have never felt God with me as I do now. I never prayed as hard as I do now. I never read the Bible and wanted to join groups to praise him, but I’ve joined two so far. I am completely giving my life to God. I am handing it all over to him and I couldn’t feel more at peace than I do right now.
Even when I didn’t think God believed in me and loved me, he was here doing just that. He's here with all of us and loving us unconditionally.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
Komentar