The Past
Presley was almost four when we lost her in 2017. It’s crazy to think about that it was over two years ago, because it feels like it happened yesterday almost every day of my life. Everyone grieves so differently. One minute I’m grieving one way, and the next I’m grieving completely different. Every day is a different part of my story, of her story, and our story. We try to remember her in every day. It’s scary to think that people will forget about her, or that all she will be is a memory.
Just like every parent we don’t think about losing a child. I thought we were invincible and that it could never happen to us. I kept thinking that these things only happen in big cities, or far away. I didn’t pay attention to the news much. It didn’t seem to affect me if it wasn’t happening to me, but just like that it happened to us. We lost Presley in an instant. All it took was one second and she was gone. One moment she was here with us, and the next she wasn’t. That’s how fast life can change.
When it changes, you don’t get any of that time back. There’s no second chances and life as you know it is over. Life changes and so do you. All of the memories is the only thing you have left of that life. The happiness can fade, sometimes a different side of you starts to control you. This isn’t always a bad thing if it’s not dragging you down. Happiness does return in time. It may not always seem like it’s there, but it is. The pain can sometimes be more that you feel like you can handle, but God won’t give you something he doesn’t think you can handle.
Today, That's Okay! My life changed and I change, but do you know what? That’s okay. I do worry a lot more! I love harder! I love faster! My heart aches for others who hurt. When I see the news now about people or children dying, I see that now. I really see it. I feel it. It hurts. I hurt for them. The pain comes rushing back and everything that happened that day is on a replay in my mind. It gives me high anxiety just thinking about that day. I can remember from the moment I woke up until I went to bed that night, but the days after are a huge blur. This world and life scare me every single day. I would love to put my kids in a huge bubble and keep them there, but I also want them to experience life and love life like Presley did. Presley loved everything about life. She loved her family, she loved every person she came across, and everyone that met her fell in love. She always had a ray of light surrounding her. She had a sassy attitude and the biggest heart. She wanted to be girlie like me, but also go outside with her brother and play in the dirt. I didn’t keep all of Presley’s baby clothes, but I had a lot of 12-month clothes and up still. Some that I had to throw away, because those times outside made stains that never came out. I didn’t realize how important it was to keep those stained clothes, but it was. When my youngest, Ellie was big enough to wear them, I had her in them. It would remind me of a memory that I had with Presley. We went through more of her clothes recently to see what fit and what didn’t. Ellie (my youngest) is starting to fit into Presley’s shoes, and even things Presley wore right before she died is starting to fit Ellie. As I was organizing her clothes at home, it hit me that one day there won’t be anything to pass down to Ellie from Presley. One day, Ellie will pass the age of Presley was when she died. It hit me like a brick, and I couldn’t control my emotions. I just laid there on the ground sobbing while I was thinking about not having anything of Presley’s to remember her by. I thought about how Ellie didn’t get to meet her, and how she won’t have her own memories with Presley. My oldest will have plenty of memories to share with Ellie about Presley. He will get to tell her how she was scared to go outside in the dark, how she loved animals, how she would be my little copycat and boss him around. He will tell her that Presley loved to dance like Ellie does and that they have the same nose. We will have videos and millions of photos to share, because I am that Mom who takes a zillion of them. I’m thankful that I am that annoying Mom who must capture every moment. I’m thankful I have those memories. I will have to make new memories and remember her in them. I always like to reminisce and go through old memories. I had found an old notebook that had 2017-2018 goals written down. One of my goals for 2018 was to take Presley to Disney World. I wanted to wait until she was 5, but I never got the chance to. Life happened too fast for us. So, this past fall break, I took both of my kids here on earth at the age of 10 and 1. We wanted to make sure Presley was there in a way that my kids would love. Righley (my oldest) and I decided on a build-a-bear with a Minnie Mouse shirt, and a voice recorder with Presley’s voice. We brought “Presley Minnie” with us everywhere on that trip. She was front row and center to every part of the trip. The characters signed her shirt and took photos with her. It was a wonderful way to include her in our trip and to have her there as a memory. One day Ellie will be older than Presley was when she passed, and we will have new memories. We will just have to find other ways to include Presley just like Disney. There are ways to remember her by besides the clothes, she’s still here in each of us. We may not always feel it, but she is.
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