It's A Sad Subject
I guess I need to start this off by saying... my faith is okay. We are starting to go into the spring months and while everyone is worried about what Easter Dresses and what they are getting their Mom for Mother's Day... I am dreading the day that rolls around every year that takes me back to the day that I lost my little girl. The day where a single phone call ruined my life. The drive to where she was and not knowing that she had passed will forever haunt me. I can't drive that same road without thinking about it or sobbing the whole way. I've only been to the scene of the accident twice. That day and recently. That day is a day I'll never forget. I can remember everything that I did that day. I can remember every person that I saw that day. I can tell you that in the movies when you see the Mom collapsing after she's told that her child is gone.... IT HAPPENS. It happened to me. I was that Mom, but I no longer think that this was all part of some BIG plan God has for me. I do think that events after her death is part of some type of plan... AND please don't take this the wrong way, BUT I don't think that God planned this out. I can't tell you the pain and agony that comes from losing a child. It is literally the WORST thing that could happen. It's like being thrown by a wave and every single time you try to come up for air, you get sucked back under. It's not something you simple get over. It's a life long battle of not losing her, but living without her. What if someone came up to you right now on the street and said, "Which kid can you live without?" Could you answer that? Any Mom that I know would say, "Just take me instead! I'll take their place!!" I have been that Mom. Even recently, I have been that Mom who has screamed out, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!" She should be here. People like to say that it's part of God's big plan for me. I want to believe that, but I also believe that God wouldn't never intentionally hurt us. People have a hard time finding the words to comfort me. I would be the same way if the roles were reversed. What do you say to a Mom who has to live without her child? It's not just the love that I can't express to her here in person, but it's the future that I never get to see with her. It's the first day of school photos, her sweet sixteen, prom and her wedding day. I don't get to see that future with her. The past year I have seem to put myself together more than I have in the 31 years I've been here. None of my days are easy without her, but I feel like I can achieve so much. I feel like a whole new person and hopefully it's a better version of myself. If I've learned anything from losing a child, it's that life is way too short. You have to wake up and greet the day with a smile. Life doesn't get easier without her, you just learn to keep going. That's all you can do.
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